I’ve had my share of broken hearts over the years.
Most recently, while working through the pain of another lost love, we uncovered a pattern with my therapist. I tend to fall in love with people who are unavailable emotionally. To unpack that, we discussed the various forms of love. What’s the primary form of love? My therapist asked. [enter blank face] Self-love, she said. Why would I blank on that? Had I been neglecting to love myself? And I don’t mean that in a selfish, narcissistic way. Loving ourselves unconditionally precisely the same way our mothers love us is what we are striving for. But instead, we love ourselves with conditions. We only expect to be happy with ourselves when we get the job we want. Then and only then do we feel worthy of our self-compassion? Why wait for the outside circumstances to change? So how do I learn to love myself again? Self-compassion means being gentle, kind, and understanding with yourself, accepting that you are not perfect; and understanding that there is potential for learning and growth in every mistake you make. The Buddhist understanding of compassion means offering patience, kindness, and nonjudgmental understanding to others and oneself. Contrary to what you might believe, self-compassion is not equivalent to selfishness. In the Art of Loving, Eric Fromm defines self-love as one’s respect for personal integrity and uniqueness. Like maternal love, self-love requires care. By caring for our health and happiness, we demonstrate self-love. Selfishness arises when self-love occurs in isolation, and a person does not give any other forms of love. Here are a few ways to fill our cup of self-love until it overflows, so we may be open to giving and receiving love freely right now. #1 Practice Forgiveness Stop punishing yourself for your mistakes. Instead, accept that you are not perfect, and be gentle with yourself when confronted with your shortcomings. Your friends and colleagues value you because of who you are, not because you are faultless. Become aware of when you derive a sense of self-worth from performance or perfection. Understand that you do not need to be a sure way to be worthy of love. One way to remind yourself that you are worthy, even when you’re not performing well, is to put a sticky note near your desk or in your wallet with a message reminding you to be gentle and kind with yourself. #2 Develop a Growth Mindset At the heart of Carol Dweck’s research is the impact of our mindset on wellbeing. She found that whether we have a fixed or growth mindset influences our happiness. For example, do you view challenges as impossible obstacles or as opportunities to grow? Therefore, employing a growth mindset is more helpful. Embrace rather than avoid challenges, persist in finding meaning in them, and don’t give up on yourself. When you criticize yourself and negatively compare yourself with others, try to find inspiration in their successes and strengths instead of feeling threatened. #3 Express Gratitude Feeling gratitude is very powerful. Rather than wishing for what we do not have, there is strength in appreciating what we do now. You can choose to write a gratitude journal or go for gratitude walks. By focusing on our blessings, we employ a gentler inner voice and move the focus away from our shortcomings and outward to the world, with all its beauty. #4 Be Mindful Mindfulness has been found to impact self-compassion, as it tends to lessen self-judgment positively. Strive to always be in the moment and aware of what is happening, without judgment and labeling. Allow what you think or feel to have its moment; don’t give it the microphone or hide it in the corner. Let it come, and then, without attachment, let it go. You are worthy of love. So, next time you do not rise to the expectations you have for yourself, take a moment to pause and reassess. Be mindful of the complicated emotions that arise. Forgive yourself and recognize that you are only human. See if you can identify how to do it differently next time. Be grateful for the opportunity you had in the first place and for your persistence to try again. Finally, accept yourself. You are not perfect. And yes, you likely could have done better. But chances are, you did just fine. And often, that’s more than enough.
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AuthorI was born in 1986 in Lebanon. I'm still trying to find my passion in life and in the meantime I'm learning to navigate my bipolarity and redefining stability. Archives
February 2024
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