I didn’t plan this – the life I have.

It’s supposed to be different.

As a child, I imagined the life I was determined to have as I grew up. The life that I dreamed of having.

Over the years, it took many shapes and forms, morphing each time I climbed what seemed to be a mountain top. 

We have expectations—lots of them. Only reality doesn’t always quite match up.

Life twists and turns, changing direction to forge new paths, and things happen that don’t match the idealized playbook in our heads. Some of these things are good; some are not so good.

So how do you cope when the unimaginable, the undesired, happens? How do you react when you wake up and realize that your life is not how you imagined it?

It is okay to mourn the loss of the life you had planned for yourself.

We all have circumstances that are not ideal. I never imagined I would find myself at times living through what I can describe as my own darkest time. My life wasn’t supposed to be like this. 

It can be challenging to let go of the life we think we should have. There is a sense of entitlement, a sense of “Why me? Why is this happening to me? Why can’t I have/do/be what I want?” It’s okay to mourn what once was or what you hoped would be. And then you get back up on the horse. There has to come a time for acceptance.

When things aren’t going well, when we are struggling with life’s curveballs, it’s too easy to spiral down the path of despair and assumes tomorrow will bring just as much pain and fatigue as many imposed limitations as today. To feel frustration, anger, and disappointment at the unfairness of it all. These emotions are natural when we experience adversity, but they are not helpful in the long term.

There has to come a time for acceptance. Only then can we start to move forward and find happiness.

I live with a chronic mental health condition. It hurts not to be able to do everything I used to do or want to be able to do, but I still live a fulfilled and happy life. I actively search for ways to live well, expand my life and find my purpose and joy.

It comes down to my choices—balancing treatments, diet, and lifestyle with mental health management—to assist me in living beyond the diagnosis that could so easily define, so quickly limit, who I am and all that I can be.

Expressing my feelings through my writing, fueling my body with nourishing food, working to the extent that I am able, and sitting outside in the sunshine—all help me find my happiness. First, to help me accept the reality of what is and minimize the lamenting, the agonizing despair, of what isn’t. Then, to move forward in the best way I can.

Learning to live in the moment can be one of the most challenging things to master.

I still struggle with letting go of what could have been and how life was supposed to be. I wouldn't see the good if I spent all my time focusing on everything wrong. The love and support of my family and friends. The personal growth that only my experiences could teach me.

Bipolar disorder has brought me to my knees, but it has also led me on an expedition of self-awareness and improvement, survival, love, and empowerment. It has taught me to enjoy life in all its guises, the small pleasures and the big ones. Taking positive steps every day to create a healthier, happier existence is critical. Focus on what is good in your life because there is always something if you look hard enough.

Also, be proactive in creating good things in your life. For example, take up a new hobby, pursue the things that matter to you, learn a new skill, or go on that weekly coffee date with your best friend so there is less room to indulge in idle and frequently destructive thoughts about things you cannot change.

Celebrate your life for what it is right now, in all its colors and lack of.

How about you?
What did you have to let go of to make space for renewal?

​Join the discussion in the community.

Suffering is inevitable, so why do we run from it so much?

Because it hurts, evidently. 

Why would you sit with sadness, grief, disappointment, and heartbreak when you know you could distract yourself with work, a bottle of wine, or ill-advised, poorly funded, self-care shopping? Why would you cry when you could numb out while watching Grey’s Anatomy?

But after every work sprint, at the bottom of the bottle, when you get bored from your new purchases, or when you realize you’ve binged 18 seasons of Grey’s Anatomy in a week, the emotions you’ve pushed away bubble back to the surface of your awareness. 

But what if we did allow the stillness to come? What if we let ourselves feel the hurt, pain, and suffering? 

We would find that emotions are like waves that crash into the shore and soak into the sand or wash away with the current. When we let our feelings out, they’re no longer tugging at our hand, begging for attention. So often, we are more afraid of what we might feel than we are of the actual feelings that await us.

Sitting with feelings is scary. It comes with uncertainty and dread. It involves tearing down the protective walls, allowing you to feel emotions without judgment, and eventually accepting them. Raw and painful as they may be, allowing air to breathe and heal. 

Painful emotions are real. They exist on a scale of intensity and can come from seemingly small losses to life-altering tragedies. What you feel is valid.

Our difficulties remind us to pay attention. We feel discomfort. Our authentic experience is mixed with opinions, judgments, and worries concerning how it should be.

When we experience that pain without thinking or judging, it begins to fade. It can dissolve if you get your mind out of the way. It takes a lot of daily sitting to keep the courage available. The discipline, bravery, and consistency of sitting with it build our ability to experience our authentic lives.

How do you stay with the pain? You stay with it as long as possible, and inevitably, you start to master it. And it’s not a matter of virtue whether you sit with it. It isn’t good or bad. We do our best; that’s all we can ever do. Nothing we do is wasted if we’re aware of it.

Nobody likes anguish. But the idea that there’s some other way across the bridge from unreality to reality besides going across it is an illusion. We are good at unreality. We built our whole culture on trying to alter our reality. It hurts—well, buy a new dress. It hurts—take a holiday. It hurts—take a pill. We have dozens and dozens of ways to cover that hurt. And, because we live in a society with so much stuff, those ways are much more available to us than to people in earlier or less affluent communities. 

If letting your emotions in feels too scary, prepare a list of coping strategies you can use if you feel overwhelmed. First, start a list of anxiety triggers, and ask yourself, “what are the underlying feelings or fears behind each one”? Then, give yourself a quiet hour to deepen your awareness of these and do so non-judgmentally. Finally, work with a therapist on increasing your ability to feel safe in feeling your emotions.  

All feelings are valid. They may not necessarily be rational - that’s okay.

Give yourself grace and let your feelings flow naturally.

How about you?
How do you sit with your pain?

​Join the discussion in the community.