I took this picture on August 4, 2020, at 5:48 PM, minutes before the Beirut port explosion shattered my city.
As I felt the wave of the blast engulfing us and saw the mushroom cloud rising, I thought everyone I knew had died in a split second. So I grabbed my phone and started making calls and sending texts. Within minutes, groups had mobilized to begin providing support. Two years later, as I returned to this summer home, I felt uneasy looking at that same view. The invisible wounds are still fresh, 23 months later. Trauma is a situation we all know too well. I won’t count the number of times we narrowly escaped a car bomb and how we perniciously managed to normalize the panic and anxiety we feel when such moments happen. In 2005, I was having lunch with my father when the Hariri explosion shattered the restaurant's glass windows. A friend said to me the next day, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” Effectively taking away my right to sit with the pain, process my trauma and overcome the anxieties that ensued from that event. It took me 15 years to process that traumatic event in therapy. In her book ‘Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence – from Domestic Abuse to Political Terror, Judith Herman (1992, p.33) provided this definition. “Psychological trauma is an affiliation of the powerless. At the moment of trauma, the victim is rendered helpless by overwhelming force. When the force is that of nature, we speak of disasters. When the force is that of other human beings, we speak of atrocities. Traumatic events overwhelm the ordinary systems of care that give people a sense of control, connection, and meaning. […] Traumatic events are extraordinary, not because they occur rarely, but rather because they overwhelm the ordinary human adaptations to life. Unlike commonplace misfortunes, traumatic events generally involve threats to life or bodily integrity or a close personal encounter with violence and death. They confront human beings with the extremities of helplessness and terror and evoke the responses of catastrophe.” The Beirut port explosion shattered my home, city, and community. Yet, we came together to mourn our losses and mend our wounds while invisible scars formed underneath the surface. “You are such a resilient nation. You will bounce back”, said the international community. “Stop calling us resilient,” shouted back those on the ground. The compounded crises have taken a toll on the country’s mental health. For many, the explosion was the final straw. As soon as they cleaned up the broken glass and secured their homes, they packed up their bags, grabbed their families, and emigrated to “safer” shores. But for the majority, leaving was not an option. Those who remained were not resilient, and they were, they are resisting. If you’ve had the misfortune of experiencing trauma, you’ll know that it feels like life will never be the same again. However, there is growing research that humans cannot only “bounce back” from trauma but yield a joyous life on the other side of a traumatic experience. We can refer to this as post-traumatic growth, defined as positive psychological change experienced due to adversity and other challenges to rise to a higher level of functioning. Post-traumatic growth is not the same as resilience. Resilience is the ability to move on with life and persevere. Post-traumatic growth is more than surviving; it describes how human beings can be changed by painful encounters, sometimes in radically positive ways. Post-traumatic growth is above and beyond resilience. I’ll say that again. Post-traumatic growth is above and beyond resilience. Those who experience post-traumatic growth may find a greater appreciation for life and learn to enjoy small things such as a child’s smile or enjoying a day with minimal pain. Others note closer, more intimate, and meaningful relationships as a result of experiencing greater empathy and compassion for themselves and those they do life with. Finally, others report waking up to new possibilities in life. They no longer take life for granted and are awakened to the reality that they can make unique and significant choices; they can choose to go in a radically different direction, change careers, and let go of unhealthy relationships. Many report an increased recognition of their strength. They learn not to sweat the small stuff. Things that would have been stressful in the past are more likely to roll off their backs. The key to experiencing post-traumatic growth is learning to sit with one’s pain. Post-traumatic stress disorder, at its core, is an avoidance disorder. Understandably, those with PTSD try to avoid the traumatic thoughts, images, and feelings in any way they can. This is why those who suffer repeated trauma are much more likely to suffer from addiction. Addiction makes it impossible to sit with one’s pain. Therefore, the first thing that trauma-informed counselors do is help a person widen their window of pain tolerance, often through mindfulness or breathing exercises. Once a person can sit with their pain, even if for brief amounts of time in the presence of a safe person, they may be able to experience the substantial cognitive and emotional shifts that make post-traumatic growth more likely. We shouldn’t glorify pain. It is not always possible for those who have been traumatized to bring something good out of their misery. We need to fight against injustices and inequalities. We must remember that trauma doesn’t always result in post-traumatic growth. The world has changed dramatically in the last two years and challenged many of us beyond our expectations. As a result, the cracks of stress, strain, and trauma are increasing in our lives, work, and relationships. Some cracks are on the outside—physical changes and work resume gaps, abandoned plans, and hastily executed alternatives. Some are on the inside—disappointments and regrets, grief over what was lost, and self-doubt from failures. And that fatigue that feels like more than fatigue. We may want to return to some aspects of the pre-2019 "normal." And we dread returning to other old patterns and ways of work and life. So one minute, we might be searching for the "old me," and next, we are wondering about the “new me.” But there is no going back. The "old normal" no longer exists. And to be honest, do you even recognize that person in the mirror? We are not the same. And accepting that might be the start of healing and growth. Some things in our lives are fractured or chipped—perhaps our confidence or motivation? Perhaps our trust in the world? But broken things do not need to remain broken. Our brain is wired for change; that change does not have to be negative. So we can create positive change despite terrible events like explosions, collapsing economies, and pandemics. It is called post-traumatic growth. Brokenness can be a starting point of beauty. We can create something better and more robust than the old normal or the old "us." When we change, we learn. When we struggle, we grow. When we repair our lives, we gain new strength and the ability to mend the aspects of our lives and our world that need to be fixed. We gain wisdom and beauty and emerge stronger than before. We restore ourselves and advocate for others. We shed the layers of pretense and create a new kind of social bond, perhaps remote—yet more authentic than ever. We repair the brokenness with caring and kindness toward others and ourselves. We can turn our brokenness into beauty and growth. Some of the most beautiful people we know are persons who have suffered excruciating pain and come out on the other side with soft hearts and beautiful spirits. They have metabolized their pain well. They sit with it and learn to grow.
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AuthorI was born in 1986 in Lebanon. I'm still trying to find my passion in life and in the meantime I'm learning to navigate my bipolarity and redefining stability. Archives
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