Learning to love my invisible scars

Photo by SOULSANA on Unsplash

The bruises heal, and the marks fade, but the scars on your soul will linger for years. 

If you have a broken arm, everyone sees it and knows to be gentle with you, but what about if you have a broken heart? A broken mind? A broken soul? 

No one can see the scars from years of trauma, abuse, bullying, and abandonment. So no one will understand why they need to be gentle with you and how their actions can hurt worse than if there weren’t any invisible scars.

The symptoms are not always obvious. Sometimes they’re as subtle as unconscious choices, spontaneous decisions, imperceptible body movements, and (in)voluntary isolation. 

I’ve been in therapy since 2018, and I’m still discovering invisible scars. As my therapist gently holds space to allow me to share my story, I uncover them. 

I am learning to recognize my triggers and communicate them. 

I am learning to set and respect healthy boundaries. 

I am learning to communicate generously, candidly, and lovingly. 

I am learning to love my invisible scars. 

I am learning to love myself. 

The only way to move forward is to overcome the pain and find peace within me. Only then will I be able to live a healthy life and love the scars from the past.

Healing is not a linear process. 

There will be good days. There will be bad days. There will be days when you catch glimpses of hope. There will be days that you don’t feel a fucking thing. It’s easy to slip into hopelessness; healing is hard work. 

Some scars go back 30+ years, and I’ve only begun processing them.

For some time, it just felt simpler to numb the pain. As a result, I abused substances that deprived me of a fair shot at healing. It felt so much better to drown my emotions and memories using various substances in the short term. However, I can testify that this can only offer a sense of temporary relief: it doesn’t fix anything. Engaging in substance abuse is a dangerous game, and, from personal experience, I strongly advise against it. The pain you feel will only be exacerbated in the long term. 

At other times, I just put up a brave front. I thought if I acted like I was okay, then I would feel okay. It turns out that bottling your emotions is not the answer. Pretending that I didn’t care or as if it was not affecting me didn’t get me anywhere in my healing process. I needed to ask for help and to confide in someone who could help me process. 

There is no clear-cut way to heal invisible wounds. It takes time, therapy, self-compassion, more processing than I care to count, and the ability to rely on a support system. 

Everyone heals at their own pace and through their methods, though there may be times we may need to seek outside help to let go.

We all have scars on our bodies and our hearts. But we don’t have to tell the stories of our scars as evidence of our wounds—but we can see them as proof of our healing journey.

And it certainly doesn't mean I have to wait to be "fully healed" before going after the people and pursuits I want in my life.

Taking action before I feel "healed enough" can be healing.

Because moving toward the things that I want – those people, places, and pursuits that would fill my life with meaning and fulfillment – and specifically, moving towards those things before I feel ready can accelerate my healing journey. It will boost my sense of agency, and competency, and support the reclamation and healing of my self-esteem and self-worth.

Reparative experiences can help rewire our maladaptive beliefs and behaviors about ourselves, others, and the world in a way that theory, imagination, or positive wishful thinking simply can’t compete with in terms of effectiveness.

Challenging your critical self-talk with kinder, more supportive self-talk is one thing. However, it’s another thing entirely to prove to yourself through your lived experiences that those kinder, more supportive self-statements are, in fact, true.

Some questions I invite you to explore with me:

• What am I craving and dreaming about that I’m not currently moving towards?
• What beliefs do I have about my capacity to do that?
• Are these beliefs helpful or harmful?
• Do these beliefs feel like voices and ideas from my past (like a familiar voice from someone close to me), or are they coming from my body, from some bone-deep wisdom and inner knowing inside of me?
• What do I imagine might happen if I begin to take action toward what I want?
• What’s the worst-case scenario, and what’s the best-case plan?
• Do I know anyone else who “started before they were ready” and has happy outcomes I’d like for myself?
• What would it take for me to emulate them? Would I like to do this?