In 2014, I was profoundly depressed and distressed. My sister invited me to join her for an exploration of Tibet. It was a complicated experience. Chinese occupation of Tibet has heavily darkened the state of mind of every Tibetan. There was no enlightenment in sight. But I met the pause somewhere over a mountain ridge gazing at the prayer flags over the Himalayas.
Himalayans believe that when the wind blows the flags, it spreads the blessings, goodwill, and compassion embodied in the images and writings across the land. Eventually, the prints fade, the prayers become part of the universe, and the prayer flags are renewed. I returned with renewed energy. Yet, it would be short-lived, as I was still undiagnosed. In 2017, I started seeing a CBT therapist to navigate my anxieties and learn some tools. I began to meditate. Mental processes were under greater voluntary control. One year later, I had a massive manic psychosis which finally led to my diagnosis. Since then, I’ve been exploring various tools to help me maintain my stability. While my psychiatrist keeps an eye on my lithium levels and monitors my symptoms, I’m blessed to have found a therapist who practices core processes psychotherapy. Core process psychotherapy is a mindfulness-based approach to therapy and emphasizes a deep, ongoing awareness of one's body and mental processes for self-exploration and healing. Therapy is often viewed as a joint undertaking in which the therapist accompanies the individual on a journey into the deepest levels of their experiences. Through this contemplative self-study, individuals may discover the historical roots of their problems and achieve a clearer sense of who they are. As they process this information in the present, they will hopefully begin to let go of old habits and approach life with greater creativity and flexibility. It draws heavily on Buddhist principles and practices, such as a focus on mindfulness, compassion, and unconditional acceptance, and is guided by the Buddhist view of human suffering and healing. Throughout this journey, I’ve been integrating some contemplative practices shyly, from loving-kindness to counting my blessings, learning to meditate, and stretching and bending in yin postures. Recently, I’ve wanted to deepen my understanding of contemplation and its roots. Mindfulness is a particular kind of present-moment, non-judgmental attention that we can train through practice. Mindfulness has its roots in Buddhist meditation and can be considered both quality of consciousness and a method for stabilizing and refining attention to observe the mind and behavior directly. Some of these practices that I’ve recently explored include
In regularly practicing these, I’ve found that some have helped in enhancing my capacity for health, particularly in:
It’s been helpful, particularly in the aspect of emotional regulation. I am learning to be more aware, to identify and talk about my emotions, heal from past emotions and become more resilient in the face of extreme ones, improve my emotional relationship with myself and reduce reactivity. For many years, I rationalized and relied on psychological theory, science, and facts, creating unnecessary suffering. I was drawn to the possibility of enlightenment and disturbed by the idea of mental illness. I was stuck in a cycle of attraction and aversion in my mind: I had to be brilliant or mad, sane or crazy, wise or confused. Trapped by dichotomous thinking, I could not accept treatment and progress toward a life of stability. Buddhist psychology is one of the tools that inspired me to discover the middle way. I can have bipolar disorder and still be fundamentally sane. Though recovery requires formidable challenges, acceptance, and healing, I am on a path toward approval. I can uncover spiritual insights and pursue recovery, and there is space for it all. My middle way is a total embrace of my humanity, with the promise of joy and sorrow, grounded in the sincere desire to love without condition. Today I lead a life of general stability and happiness. There are good days and bad, but every single one is precious. Although, of course, sometimes I wish I didn’t have bipolar disorder yet, I could never separate my illness from the rest of my life. There is a depth to my life and a call to serve that I did not know before. Bipolar disorder is my path. My constant invitation is to return to the center and my heart. We all have our difficulties, our particular flavor of suffering that calls us to awaken. Bipolar disorder just happens to be mine.
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AuthorI was born in 1986 in Lebanon. I'm still trying to find my passion in life and in the meantime I'm learning to navigate my bipolarity and redefining stability. Archives
February 2024
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