Carl Jung said that when light is made, so is the shadow. One cannot exist without the other.
What is the source of your inner light? What brings you peace, calm, joy, and connection? What drives out the suffering? The answers may be vastly different for each of us. I recently read the Buddhist teaching about comparing suffering. As sentient beings, we each suffer in our unique way; we cannot compare our suffering to that of another, for it is measured within our own context. Because context varies so widely from one individual to the next and one culture to the next, we cannot compare suffering. We all suffer from fear, loss, and grief subtly and grossly. Light and darkness are symbiotic. One gives canvas to the other’s expression. But if their interrelation is well understood through experience, darkness can be metabolized into a light that heals oneself and others. I’ve spent a large part of my twenties in crippling depressive episodes. I was in the darkness and could not find the light. At times, the pain of it was agonizing, heart-stopping. I could not think. I could not eat. I could not sleep. I could not breathe. My sense of self was shattered. Every time it happened, I would drop everything and start again—work, family, friends, community, even countries. I intended to escape: to run from the darkness, as far and as fast as possible, and to somehow exchange my old, broken life for a shiny new one. It didn’t work the way I expected it to. Instead of resetting my life as I had envisioned, I created an (in)voluntary retreat into solitude and self-reflection. I was only changing my environment; it didn’t change my internal landscape. After the excitement of the change of scene faded, I was left with the one thing I couldn’t leave behind: me. When a massive manic episode with deep psychosis led to my diagnosis in 2018, I could start understanding that maybe in that darkness, there was indeed light. It took a lot of effort and time to begin the process of healing my invisible scars. But, beyond the bipolar disorder diagnosis, the traumatic events, the bullying, the abuse, the abandonment issues, and the shaken sense of identity, I started to see the light. To my amazement, my internal landscape is becoming rich, complex, and engaging. The gradually dawning knowledge that I could not just survive but thrive and feel whole and happy—even in small bursts—was a revelation to me. Out of the ashes of devastating personal stories, I found unlooked-for self-respect and a renewed excitement about living my life. Gradually, a vision of myself emerged, contrasted against the darkness that had enveloped me. Since then, I’ve had other experiences that have pushed me to an edge, but I’ve found my way back to center each time by drawing on the essence of who I am. It doesn’t mean I’ve overcome all my tragedies or figured it all out. But I know I have a map that can get me back to where I want to be instead of being stuck someplace awful. It can take time to find the way back, but you can be sure of the way by keeping just a few things in mind. #1 You, you are the only thing that you have control over Who are you? That’s the only thing you can know. So let what is inexplicable be inexplicable. You can’t change what has happened, and you can’t control other people. But you can choose to let adversity teach you something about yourself. #2 You are the only thing that matters Nothing that happens can erase who you are, no matter how bad. You are always you, no matter what happens. Experiences may change you, but deep inside, there is always that shining seed of self, the blueprint of who you indeed are, guaranteeing the possibility of renewal. #3 Keep an open mind and heart It is hard work to generate gratitude and serenity when you are in the darkness. Luckily, just wanting to be that kind of person can be enough. With your intentions set in the right direction, peace and contentment will find you. In persevering through my darkness, I found a self who can survive whatever life throws me. My experience has taught me that the human capacity to endure—and do it with grace, courage, and joy—does not depend on anything outside ourselves. Even when life seems impossible, the brilliant light inside yourself is enough to see your way through your darkest nights.
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AuthorI was born in 1986 in Lebanon. I'm still trying to find my passion in life and in the meantime I'm learning to navigate my bipolarity and redefining stability. Archives
February 2024
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