My manic episode was so disruptive, and some might say even traumatic, that I feel weary of highly intense emotions these days. Is it happiness, or is it the beginning of mania? Am I genuinely bothered by something, or is it just overblown irritability?
As I was recovering from my manic episode, I slipped into a depressive state and felt apathetic most of the time. It was a normal reaction to what had happened to me. I understood that and let time heal my wounds. After a few months of religiously following my medication regimen and attending therapy sessions, the melancholia fog had lifted, yet here I was, feeling lifeless, muted, and flat. My doctors heard me loud and clear when I kept saying I didn’t want to keep living in this zombie-like state. Both my psychiatrist and therapist kept telling me at each of my appointments that I needed to give it time, that working on my emotions in sessions would eventually allow me to resurface them, and that I’ll adjust and start regulating more healthily. I missed the ups, downs, and intensity. Yet I was scared to death to feel those ups and downs. My therapist encouraged me to work through the trauma and disruption my last manic episode had caused in my life and my family's life. I was scared to death to feel happy, that it would trigger an onset of mania. I was equally scared to death to feel sad, angry, frustrated, or any other emotion. It seemed as though my emotions and feelings had flat-lined. I was frozen emotionally; at best, I was barely coping. I certainly was not thriving. I feared becoming too happy, sad, mad, or anything! And I had no idea what I could do. My therapist and I had planned to work on the trauma of my manic episode, but trauma work online (this is in COVID-19 confinement time) isn’t ideal, so that’s now on the back burner. I wasn’t about to reduce my medicine as it had been working well, and I didn’t want to compromise. My only option then is to live and let live while working up the courage to embrace my emotions again. There are a few reasons why you could be emotionally flat. Sometimes it’s due to being over-medicated and other times because of the fear of an escalating mood. And many times, it is expected to get stuck in traumatic events and suppress feelings. If you are feeling emotionally flat-lined, I’d suggest a couple of things to consider:
Have you moved from flat-lined emotions and feelings to living again? What worked for you? Sharing is caring!
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AuthorI was born in 1986 in Lebanon. I'm still trying to find my passion in life and in the meantime I'm learning to navigate my bipolarity and redefining stability. Archives
February 2024
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