A Stable Bipolar Self

Photo by note thanun on Unsplash

It took me years to face the reality of having bipolar disorder.

I refused to get a diagnosis for a long time. I wanted to be strong enough to handle my moods on my own. With every cycle, I’d get better, spiral into hypomania, and crash into depression. 

It was an act of defiance leading me down a dangerous path. 

After the episode in 2018, I decided to change. My path to stability after this decision has been a long one that continues today. The key was letting go of the life I had imagined to create a life I could live that would keep me stable.

I choose a stable life.

Bipolar management is a conscious choice I make every day. I choose healthy sleeping habits over wild nights. My concept of a good time changed. The super-late nights of drinking with exciting new people had to end, or I knew it would eventually be my stability on the line due to the risks I was taking. I’ve replaced boozy benders with hearty conversations over good meals. I worked hard at managing stress and setting healthy boundaries. 

I make these adjustments for my health and well-being because life is better when I choose stability. 

Here are some tools and strategies that worked to help me maintain stability:

#1 I take a proactive approach to my mental healthcare.
I research my issues, keep notes and articles, and write down my questions and feelings. I chronicle my treatment experience, documenting my reactions to medications, the cycles of my moods, and possible triggers for high or low periods. I note each medication, the dosage, and when I take it. Working with my healthcare team, I learned to manage my daily care.

#2 I educate myself.
I look into not only my particular mood disorders but the various medications used to treat them and the other therapies and lifestyle approaches I need to make my treatment most effective. Because I’ve researched it in books, through friends, and on the Internet, I’m not surprised when talk therapy causes more stress than relief. I know that short-term frustrations turn into long-term progress and recovery.

#3 I use what I learn in treatment and take lifestyle changes seriously. 
I’ve realized that I can’t solve everything with a pill. I know that medication can be more effective when talk therapy helps me relax and acquire coping skills that lower my brain's cortisol levels (stress hormones). I understand that medication is more effective when, through talk therapy, I derive a sense of support and relief after discussing problematic past events or current struggles in my life. Talk therapy can be more effective when medication supports my mood swings enough to help me discuss issues. I know that talk therapy can be much more effective when ‘high’ moods are moderated enough for me to keep appointments and reasonably discuss my issues.

#4 I take other medical issues seriously. 
A body in good physical shape responds more effectively to medication and talk therapy. Many physical issues and changes can affect brain chemistry. Menopause, aging, sleep disorders, and medications for other medical issues can interfere with medications prescribed to treat mood disorders. Those who take their recovery seriously tend to understand their body and medical issues more clearly.

#5 I don’t self-medicate. 
I refrain from using alcohol or narcotics to treat my symptoms. Many often find alcohol and illegal drug use an easy, quick way to numb sad or extreme feelings. The long-term problems these substances create can be far worse than what life brings their way. I know these substances are inefficient ways to feel better and that they can intensify the negative effects of bipolar disorder.

#6 I don’t give up. 
I find the most effective treatment options that are available to me. I am determined to find structured ways to survive and create balance. I understand that recovery takes time and requires hard work. I also make an effort to maintain regular contact with my friends, I join supportive communities, and I get help when I need it.

#7 I practice gratitude. 
I am aware of the support and encouragement I receive from family and friends. I find it helpful to keep a daily gratitude journal to remind myself of what I’m thankful for. Changing my thinking from the burdens of bipolar to gratefulness for life’s blessings helps to improve my state of mind and allows me to approach new obstacles with a measure of perspective.

At times, I grieve over having an illness that limits my definition of fun. I grieved for my past “unaware” life when it seemed so easy to let mania take over, drink when I was depressed, use sex to feel better, and uproot when life got tough. Now I make it a point to remember how I felt after those manic episodes: the dangers, the threat of an STD or pregnancy, the hangovers, and the inevitable depression when I could not get out of bed.

My nostalgia is fleeting, and I can live with the grief. Every year, I am more stable. I still get sick, but not like before. Life is much better now because this is my real life, not one fueled by my mood swings. Do I wish to burn the candle at both ends and live an unconstrained life? Sometimes, but I know that life will not be a good one.

I am used to bipolar now. I understand it. Maybe prioritizing stability and creating a fulfilling, productive life that also allows for bipolar management doesn’t sound very exciting, but it opens a world of personal choice that is beautiful.

How about you?
How do you maintain your stability?

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